#5-Titty Baby

Dear Tess,

I'm in my bedroom right now, hiding from you.  It's 8:13 a.m. and I am sitting on my bed...not watching "WordWorld" or "Max & Ruby," but rather a morning news show geared toward grown-ups, particularly, women in their thirties.  I'm drinking coffee as I write to you and this coffee is hot-steaming, even.  Usually, my mug sits on the counter for hours waiting, cooly, for me to sip as I pass.  

Today I have all the time in the world to watch whatever I want and drink scalding hot coffee at my leasure...but I am finding this much less pleasureable than I've been imagining for so many months.  Today we are starting the agonizing process of weaning you onto a bottle.  Even as I am writing this I am beginning to tear up.  It's not that I need this to feel whole, or connected to you.  It's not that I worry for your health or nourishment.  I am not a nazi breastfeeder that feels like the world is going to end if people give their babies formula.  But it's just that you are so damn stubborn and miserable about the whole thing!!  You have been fighting us every step of the way, and refusing to drink at all for hours and hours.  I've never seen a three month old baby refuse food for 10 straight hours...but you did, sister.  And now you are seven months old, and your stamina is boundless.

With Willow it was different.  She never cared if I was around or not.  She would take whatever food was offered to her and she never looked back.  She was always so independent.  But you are completely different, my baby girl.  You scan the room for me, sniffing me out of the crowd at family functions.  You perk up at the sound of the toilet flush as I come out of the bathroom.  When daddy is carrying you into another room, you stare behind him at me until I am no longer in view, with an expression reminiscent of Titanic as a half-frozen Kate Winslet watches Leo sink down into the depths of the Atlantic.  You are completely dependent on my existence, and that makes weaning you for my own selfish reasons, torture.  I say my reasons are selfish because they 100% are.  I am not over tired-you sleep 7 hours a night now, on average.  I am not "going back to work"-I work here, for you.  Its not even that I don't have the time-you are patient and wait happily while I set up sister's paints or prepare her lunch, first.  No, nursing is actually so much easier for me than bottles.   The food is always right there, warm and free.  AND, when you have a belly ache or a fever or your gums are sore, mommy can always calm you.  No, the real reason for the big wean is because I want to go to a tropical island and drink alcohol in the sun all day until late at night, sleep in and repeat the process the next day for five days.  That is pretty much the jist. 

I know that in the long run, you will never remember this.  I realize that as sad as you are today, you will eventually forget, and never think to miss this moment in time that we shared...but that is making it all the harder.  Because someday you will leave me to go do whatever amazing things you will definitely do...and I will remember.  And I will miss it. 

Love, Mommy